more entertainment

John Spencer Blues Explosion
Black Prairie
Dave and Phil Alvin at Fingerprints
Octa#grape and the Widows 
the Obits
the Hold Steady
Bob Mould
Charles Phoenix

... and that rounds up 2014!

progress report

I have just read the last couple of posts. I was wanting to make changes. I was having pep talks with myself regularly. I was overwhelmed. I did not think I was ever going to get anywhere. But I was actually making progress, and didn't even know it.
I AM taking that baking class. I did figure out how to make things a little easier. I have been writing stuff down. (note to self: buy ONE composition book for all these thoughts/things. It's OK if it holds the food diary, thoughts diary, shopping lists, to do lists, etc. I could go to the supermarket and get this done... today!).
Anyway- I made my life easier. I asked for a raise, because I deserve it, and I've been needing to stand up for myself and demand what I want for years. AND I asked for fewer hours at work. I also needed that! I've been wanting THAT for years. Although it took a couple weeks of stressing about it, I finally did some math, had some conversations, got my figures straight, scoured my soul for some courage and laid out the plan. And they went for it!!!
Phew! I also knew I'd have to make a break for it if they didn't because I was sick of hearing my same old story come out of my mouth. And I knew I'd have ANOTHER panic attack if I didn't do something. I don't ever want that to happen again.
The cut hours and raise don't happen for a month, but just knowing that relief is coming has lifted the dark cloud. That and the fact that I went through with it. Laying out my plan and all. Can I get another Phew?!!
Another giant exciting thing: I've been asked to make 2 pies for a friend's baby shower!! So excited. At first totally nervous, but now just excited. Like I can't wait to roll out dough and stir some custard and pipe some cream!
I feel like me again. I have confidence, and serenity, and hope for the future. Like there's time in my day to chat with a colleague or fellow baking student and things I like, or destinations I've never been to, or their lives or whatever. I know I have been very self interested lately because I was needing to climb out of the hole I had been in. And the only way I knew to do that was to focus. On me, all the time. I am so relieved to look out the window now at other stuff, new scenery!
Other major news! (wow, this has been a transitional time) I just stopped eating/drinking dairy and my nearly constant stomach/gas/bloating etc. issues seem to have miraculously also disappeared. Am I lactose intolerant?? I mean bummer, but shit, not-at-all-a-bummer to have identified the freaking problem!! Feeling not-terrible is wonderful! I kiss cheese goodbye gladly if I can feel like this without it. It's like breaking up with that horrible boy that you thought you'd be nothing without, and then viola- life is INSTANTLY MUCH BETTER! And you wonder why you didn't do this before!

try

work, walk, bake, stretch, struggle to sleep
run errands, walk, try to solve stomach ache
try and relax, try and have fun, try and sleep
work, walk...
errand, try...
repeat

vision

cowboy boots, apron, braids…

dogs, farm, sunflowers

cakes, pies, delivery

summery days, with a couple hours to while away

good advice

decide what it is you want.
write that shit down.
make a fucking plan.
and... work on it. every. single. day.

LOVE this. I do get stopped at step one though... So here it goes, I am going to go with my gut at the moment. it may change tomorrow. who knows. who knows what i'm even talking about or if i really want what i want when i get there. i tend to get stopped at that stage regularly. so eff it - i'm just going to say it, with confidence and authority today. and if it changes, so be it. wipe the slate, and begin again.
what i want: to take that baking class, be a Home Ec. teacher, have summers off, and feel happy because i'm being creative, i'm investing my energy into the future, into something good, something traditional, something with meaning, something tangible.
plan: get ready to sign up! - be ready to say yes, and figure out how to pay for it. get other ducks in a row to survive during school. work on it, every day...? how exactly? i'm thinking.....

Today, I like

It helps me to remember some of the things I like, that I am naturally and easily drawn to, or that I've always just loved. It helps me remember that I am not a robot, and that I am vibrant and alive. Some days, I'm drawn to certain things more than others. Today, I like..

slow walks, the smell of sunlight on fallen pine needles, campers, jewelry, photography, the massive array of colors and shades of red, leafy flowers, the crescent moon, yoga and tattoos

Stop thinking about it, just do it